I have a friend, who was diagnosed with colo-rectal cancer a year ago this month. She turns 40 next week.
It had spread to the liver.
She had three rounds of chemo and surgery twice. Once for a colostomy, and once to remove the tumours on the right node of the liver. It was during the liver surgery, that they noticed the spots on the left node. That was about six months ago.
That effected the third chemo treatment.
She was going to have the colostomy removed tomorrow. I called her last night.
The tumours on the left node have grown. The colostomy is not being removed. There is an experimental drug, that he has been approved to use on her, for another hugely aggressive round of chemo. She mumbled something about the drug only prolonging the life for another six to eight months. Then she asked me to attend her oncologists appointment with her next week, on her 40th birthday. The she stated something about the drug costing 5 grand per treatment and she has eight treatments per round. Then she said.."I'm fucked".
He wants the chemo to start now. She doesn't have $40,000 bux. The province won't cover the drug, it's experimental.....she's sick, whose going to loan her the money?
Oh Grace, don't fail me now.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Family Law
My children's lives, are bizarre lives..:)
It's been almost ten years since the divorce was final and my kids are still going through turmoil at the hands of adults.
My divorce settlement was quite simple. X amount of dollars for child support, I got the house, he got the debt (to which I contributed 1/2 in it's repayment, visitation rights every second weekend, and as many nights a week as he wanted.
In Ontario, child support is determined by the payor's income, no questions asked, unless you opt out. I opted out. I asked for a lesser amount, in order that he could afford a place for himself and enough room for the kids.
It's been a tumultous ten years, to say the least..:)
In about the year 1999, the girlfriend moved in with him, on the premise it would only be a few weeks. She hasn't left and they have since purchased a home together, small and cozy with a finished basement.
In 2005, my daughter entered a Nursing program, and in exchange for child support, she moved into the basement of their home, along with her partner. They were having a difficult time holding down jobs and an apartment and going to school, so it worked out well. Until now..:)
The girlfriend seems to have gotten them into a bit of a financial nightmare due to an insurance claim, and she is now serving them notice that the 'in-law suite' will be rented to them at a cost of $640.00 per month..huh?
Along with that notice was a whole slew of rules:
They cannot use the bedroom space in the apartment
They must allow the "owners" a whole day in order to do laundry (the only laundry services are in the basement)
They will keep their shoes out of the front entrance
They will purchase contents insurance
They can only use the kitchen facilities when the 'owners' are not home (they have no kitchen in the basement)
blah blah blah blah...
The ex would not sign the rental agreement prepared by his girlfriend..
As of May 1/08 the rent is due...lol..
This is what my daughter found out in a span of 2 days..
-The father must provide a space for the daughter until she is 25, if she is still in school
-an 'in-law suite' in this province...is exactly that..specifically for in-laws
-contents insurance cannot be purchased if there is no separate locked entrance (there isn't)
-her partner technically does not spend the night there (She works 10:30 pm to 7am)and they spend most weekends elswhere, so she may not necessarily be classed a tenant
-the area in which they lived is not zoned for apartments
-legal aid will cover the cost of her lawyer
What's sad?
Her father isn't condoning it on one hand, but he isn't stopping the process on the other...
May 1st is fast approaching...if I know my daughter, there will be no rent cheque
It's been almost ten years since the divorce was final and my kids are still going through turmoil at the hands of adults.
My divorce settlement was quite simple. X amount of dollars for child support, I got the house, he got the debt (to which I contributed 1/2 in it's repayment, visitation rights every second weekend, and as many nights a week as he wanted.
In Ontario, child support is determined by the payor's income, no questions asked, unless you opt out. I opted out. I asked for a lesser amount, in order that he could afford a place for himself and enough room for the kids.
It's been a tumultous ten years, to say the least..:)
In about the year 1999, the girlfriend moved in with him, on the premise it would only be a few weeks. She hasn't left and they have since purchased a home together, small and cozy with a finished basement.
In 2005, my daughter entered a Nursing program, and in exchange for child support, she moved into the basement of their home, along with her partner. They were having a difficult time holding down jobs and an apartment and going to school, so it worked out well. Until now..:)
The girlfriend seems to have gotten them into a bit of a financial nightmare due to an insurance claim, and she is now serving them notice that the 'in-law suite' will be rented to them at a cost of $640.00 per month..huh?
Along with that notice was a whole slew of rules:
They cannot use the bedroom space in the apartment
They must allow the "owners" a whole day in order to do laundry (the only laundry services are in the basement)
They will keep their shoes out of the front entrance
They will purchase contents insurance
They can only use the kitchen facilities when the 'owners' are not home (they have no kitchen in the basement)
blah blah blah blah...
The ex would not sign the rental agreement prepared by his girlfriend..
As of May 1/08 the rent is due...lol..
This is what my daughter found out in a span of 2 days..
-The father must provide a space for the daughter until she is 25, if she is still in school
-an 'in-law suite' in this province...is exactly that..specifically for in-laws
-contents insurance cannot be purchased if there is no separate locked entrance (there isn't)
-her partner technically does not spend the night there (She works 10:30 pm to 7am)and they spend most weekends elswhere, so she may not necessarily be classed a tenant
-the area in which they lived is not zoned for apartments
-legal aid will cover the cost of her lawyer
What's sad?
Her father isn't condoning it on one hand, but he isn't stopping the process on the other...
May 1st is fast approaching...if I know my daughter, there will be no rent cheque
Saturday, April 12, 2008
The new man in my life...
Nobody chooses dysfunction, conflict, pain. Nobody chooses insanity. This happens because there is not enough presence in you to dissolve the past...You are not fully here. You have not quite woken up yet. In the meantime, the conditioned mind is running your life....if you are one of those people who have an issue with their parents, if you still harbour resentment about something they did or did not do, then you still believe they had a choice--that they could have acted differently. It always looks as if people had a choice, but that is an illusion. As long as your mind with its conditioned patterns runs your life, as long as you are your mind, what choice do you have? None. You are not even there. The mind-identified state is severely dysfunctional. It is a form of insanity. Almost everyone is suffering from this illness in varying degrees. The moment you realise this, there can be no more resentment. How can you resent someone's illness? The only appropriate response is compassion. (Eckhart Tolle The Power of the NOW p 190.)
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Friday, March 28, 2008
March Madness
Work has gone into mad. Instead of having the last week of March off, I find myself working, if not for my Employer, for my Union, and for several members who are having some major issues.
Today was supposed to be meetings, Monday was supposed to be presentations, Tuesday through to Thursday is another three days attempting to implement a new initiative for a Union/Management approach to solving issues in an informal manner, rather than a formal manner..ie grievance.
Yesterday, I made a decision. Today was going to be an off day, as well as Monday. Phone calls were made, presenters were found, meeting dates changed and I slept in until 8:30..:)
I like this place where I am now. It feels good to not stress about issues of no importance, really. Meetings can be changed, other people can do my job, and some are even wont to return favours done in the past, in a pay it forward kind of way.
Not that stress never appears, it's just a different stress, I guess...:)
This week, I sat in a room with a bunch of young, up and coming managers. Some there due to merit, others there because of who they know, all of them rareing to do the job in the best way they know how. Some are open to new ideas, and new ways of doing things, others are staunch in their belief that the bottom line is budget and the people don't fit in there period...we don't care if you are happy, we pay you good money, do your job..:)
I sat there with five other Union representatives and rhymed off local policies, legislation, Acts of Parliament, as these people on the other side of us, sat quiet and honestly admitted they wouldn't know how to find them, nor did they know some of them existed.
How, do you, as a responsible Employer, not train your staff? Especially those who are supposed to be looking over their flock?
So, although I am off this weekend, it will be spent, doing some powerpoint presentations for those who manage me...:)
Today was supposed to be meetings, Monday was supposed to be presentations, Tuesday through to Thursday is another three days attempting to implement a new initiative for a Union/Management approach to solving issues in an informal manner, rather than a formal manner..ie grievance.
Yesterday, I made a decision. Today was going to be an off day, as well as Monday. Phone calls were made, presenters were found, meeting dates changed and I slept in until 8:30..:)
I like this place where I am now. It feels good to not stress about issues of no importance, really. Meetings can be changed, other people can do my job, and some are even wont to return favours done in the past, in a pay it forward kind of way.
Not that stress never appears, it's just a different stress, I guess...:)
This week, I sat in a room with a bunch of young, up and coming managers. Some there due to merit, others there because of who they know, all of them rareing to do the job in the best way they know how. Some are open to new ideas, and new ways of doing things, others are staunch in their belief that the bottom line is budget and the people don't fit in there period...we don't care if you are happy, we pay you good money, do your job..:)
I sat there with five other Union representatives and rhymed off local policies, legislation, Acts of Parliament, as these people on the other side of us, sat quiet and honestly admitted they wouldn't know how to find them, nor did they know some of them existed.
How, do you, as a responsible Employer, not train your staff? Especially those who are supposed to be looking over their flock?
So, although I am off this weekend, it will be spent, doing some powerpoint presentations for those who manage me...:)
Monday, March 24, 2008
Friday, March 21, 2008
My son is very lazy as of late.
These are the moments when my madness begins to stir. Today, I experienced something completely different.
He works with his father. At this point, I am not even sure you could call it work. He hasn't been in weeks. I understand the seasonal aspect of this job, but what I didn't understand what a chaotic mess that it was.
My ex has a good heart. He grew up with a bully for a father, who had a bully for a father, who probably had a bully for a father in the communist country of Ukraine..:)
My ex has always worked and worked hard. Circumstances, fate, destiny, whatever, has always worked against him, so he would have you think. And something I had believed for years. It never failed, at some point in his employ, the company would either close up shop locally, or nationally. But in the midst of all that, were job interviews and awesome possibitities that he would always miss or find an excuse to not attend. We never attributed it to choice.
Now, he is 48 years old, working for a contractor, in a business that is booming at the moment, with a generation that appears to be divided.
He is having a difficult time keeping help...:)
He hired our son just before Christmas. I knew this was not going to be an easy task, but thought it would be a good way to integrate them back into some sort of relationship.
It went well for a while and then things began to slack off. Jan/Feb rolled around and it appeared he was working on a steady basis...:) But since my ex refuses to speak to me, I am left out of the loop on a regular basis.
The problems are twofold. My son doesn't necessarily like to tell me the truth and my ex thinks I am an idiot..:)
There has been very little work since the third week of February. And the ex has a habit of calling the morning of the job and thinks that his son is going to get out of a bed that he just got into after a night of x box. Ain't happening.
I asked the ex to let me know the night before and then the boy couldn't get away with telling me that he wasn't working, and to try to tell him that a lack of planning on his part does not constitute an emergency on S's part. I also asked the ex to pick S up the night before he had to work so he could stay at his place due to the lack of transportation, or alternatively I would drive him in. Ain't happening.
When S does work, the ex has gotten in the habit of paying him for the shift, the day of the shift. Instant gratification galore..he doesn't need money for the rest of the week, why should he get out of bed? I have asked the ex to make S wait for his paycheque like everybody else, it would force him to budget. Aint' happening.
Other than the odd day of work, the ex doesn't call, doesn't visit, doesn't take his kid to the camp with the guys for the weekend.
This morning the phone rang. Is S there? gave the phone to S and then the raising of voices ensued.
I sat at my computer and the phone rang again, I picked it up. I can't even reprint what was said because all I heard was the anger, the anxiety.
Im worried about him, I answered, he sleeps he eats he plays xbox. he hasn't seen the light of day in weeks. I'm still calm. It feels wierd.
Then the rampage about my leniet ways, the excuses I give for him, the fact that he knew at 2 am this morning that he had to work.
I asked you to call him and me the night before, and to pick him up if he had to work in the morning. I'm still calm.
Now I am afraid that his heart is going to explode. I ask him to stop, I am not assigning blame, I am trying to find a way to engage him, to teach him and to guide him, as is my job.
Stop paying him for work he doesn't do, stop expecting him to fix your problems when the other guy doesn't show up for work.
Click.
I go to my son's room and I stand at the foot of his bed and tell him in a manner that I am surprised at.
I told him I am tired of this game, that I can no longer pay for the sins of my past, I apologized and reminded him that we can no longer be tested. We are there for you, you need to want to be there for you. You have choice and you need to start making the right choice and most of all you need to learn to be grateful, for what you have that is real and from what you have been running from for years. We love you and you need to learn to love you. We are not going anywhere.
His father isn't listening, I hope he is.
There is no place to go now, but forward.
It won't be easy, nothing worth it ever is..We will either get there, or we won't but that is neither here nor there. I can only deal with right now.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Monday, March 17, 2008
The Place where I live..
Ok, I have no idea how these pictures ended up here..and they are not great since I had to steal them...:) I used to play in those barren rocks. and 22 years later..we have trees..:)
Robert Adetuyi, Screenwriter for Stomp the Yard. Went to school with my sister.
Alex Bauman, I think it was, resulted in us getting an
Olympic Size Swimming Pool.
Olympic Size Swimming Pool.
Al Arbour, Larry Aurie, Todd Bertuzzi, Hector "Toe" Blake, Randy Carlyle (we went to the same school) and many more....all related to the NHL..
And of course Alex Trebek, although, if I am correct, his youth was spent several hours north of here.
Logging, mining are the industries, so most leave for greener pastures. Just a note of interest...
It is a little known fact that the original stress to the Sudbury environment and more specifically to its landscape was clear cut logging.
The area was covered in mature white pine forests which grew tall and straight; dooming them to destruction.
A prime drive behind the logging was the need for lumber during the rebuild of the city of Chicago after the Great Fire of the late 1800's.
Canadian Justice
We granted a full unconditional parole to Karla Homolka( of Paul Bernado fame), who spent twelve years in a penitentiary for her part in the brutal rape, murder and mutilation of teenage girls, including her sister, all for her part in her spouse's conviction. She plea bargained.
Robert Latimer was convicted of second-degree murder, in the death of his severely disabled daughter in 1993. He never denied his actions.
Wikipeida is a wealth of information. If you have read the stories, you will probably have already formed opinions on both.
Although the penalty for second-degree murder is life, with no parole until after ten years. The jury, in their wisdom, recommended life with a chance of parole after one year.
I was moved by the first sentencing of Robert; "Judge Nobel on compassionate grounds (in case you haven't read yet) argued that a 'constitutional exemption' could apply, and sentenced him to 1 year in jail and 1 year of house arrest." A just sentence, because Robert would be living with this every day of his life, and it was something to which he had never denied, that he took his daughter's life to rid her of the pain. To him it was the only humane thing to do.
The Crown (Prosecutor) didn't like that and appealed. Long story short, he was given the maximum under the law; life in prison with no chance of parole for ten years. The Supreme Court of Canada agreed with that recommendation and ergo began Robert's journey through the Canadian Justice System.
He began his quest for parole in 2007, beginning with day parole. He was denied. Why? He told the truth. He would not deny that what he did was the right thing to do. The courts decided he had not developed 'sufficient insight into his actions'. The man was not remorseful. Even though all his shrinks labeled him a low risk to re-offend. He was denied.
He appealed. And today, Robert Latimer is living in a half-way house in Ottawa, after a stop to visit his sick mother, and he wants to have his conviction overturned. Perhaps that is why Ottawa was his choice, lots of politicians there.
And now the outcries, from the advocates for the disabled (I see their point of view) , from the euthanasia support groups, from the anti-mercy killing units...but we can only look at it from the point of view of Mr. Latimer, and unfortunately, or maybe we be should grateful, that we never had to.
"Justice is [about] looking at the shades of grey, not just the black and white picture that the prosecution paints." Commenter from an Ontario paper..
Justice has not been served in either of these cases and not because I believe that Karla should rot in hell..
There should be rehab where rehab is needed, and she didn't get any..:) And Robert is thought to be crazy because he speaks the truth...
Robert Latimer was convicted of second-degree murder, in the death of his severely disabled daughter in 1993. He never denied his actions.
Wikipeida is a wealth of information. If you have read the stories, you will probably have already formed opinions on both.
Although the penalty for second-degree murder is life, with no parole until after ten years. The jury, in their wisdom, recommended life with a chance of parole after one year.
I was moved by the first sentencing of Robert; "Judge Nobel on compassionate grounds (in case you haven't read yet) argued that a 'constitutional exemption' could apply, and sentenced him to 1 year in jail and 1 year of house arrest." A just sentence, because Robert would be living with this every day of his life, and it was something to which he had never denied, that he took his daughter's life to rid her of the pain. To him it was the only humane thing to do.
The Crown (Prosecutor) didn't like that and appealed. Long story short, he was given the maximum under the law; life in prison with no chance of parole for ten years. The Supreme Court of Canada agreed with that recommendation and ergo began Robert's journey through the Canadian Justice System.
He began his quest for parole in 2007, beginning with day parole. He was denied. Why? He told the truth. He would not deny that what he did was the right thing to do. The courts decided he had not developed 'sufficient insight into his actions'. The man was not remorseful. Even though all his shrinks labeled him a low risk to re-offend. He was denied.
He appealed. And today, Robert Latimer is living in a half-way house in Ottawa, after a stop to visit his sick mother, and he wants to have his conviction overturned. Perhaps that is why Ottawa was his choice, lots of politicians there.
And now the outcries, from the advocates for the disabled (I see their point of view) , from the euthanasia support groups, from the anti-mercy killing units...but we can only look at it from the point of view of Mr. Latimer, and unfortunately, or maybe we be should grateful, that we never had to.
"Justice is [about] looking at the shades of grey, not just the black and white picture that the prosecution paints." Commenter from an Ontario paper..
Justice has not been served in either of these cases and not because I believe that Karla should rot in hell..
There should be rehab where rehab is needed, and she didn't get any..:) And Robert is thought to be crazy because he speaks the truth...
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Me and the City
I was going to post this as a comment, but I thought perhaps I would post it as a blog. Maybe in an attempt to understand why I am even thinking of this particular move.
When I refer to City, I should probably be referring to Town. But due to a numbers game, we fit the population requirement to be called a City.
I live on the outskirts of The Nickel Capital of the World. I wonder if we are still called that? Story has it that we were hit by meteorites, which led to the rich ore deposits found in our rocks, which resulted in the creation of our City.
When people think of City, they think Toronto, Vancouver, New York, Chicago, the list goes on. This city's population may be 153,000 if you don't add the rural areas that have been amalgamated into a "Greater City"..:)
The City for me is a 30 minute drive from where I am now. It's beginning to be a long haul in the winter. And let's face it, gas is at 1.15/litre, almost if not more than 4 dollars a gallon, with stories of it hitting 1.50/litre by the summer driving season.
I was without car for six months last winter, and I bussed it on a daily basis. It was not something I could continue due to the length of time it took me to travel to work and back. I have to leave my house at 7:30 to get to work for 9 and then do not arrive home until 6:45 that night. If I lived in the City, the bus schedule would be more in line with my hours of work and wouldn't swallow up three hours of my day.
My home, beyond my wildest imagination, is probably worth more now than it ever was or ever will be, and if I am reasonable and wise in my search, I could probably find something that would accommodate my kids and I in a manner that would allow us all more room than we have now.
Where I live, there is very little decent shopping so I have to travel to the City anyways, and in my attempts to be environmentally conscience and the fact that my budget soon will no longer sustain the gas I will require, living in the City would allow me to do much of my stuff by public transit...
My son would have much more opportunity for work. As well, as easier access when it comes time to go back to school. The only school he will be able to attend is in the City and since he has decided that his license is not worth saving for, he will have to be taking a bus...:)
Although it is not a big city, it has some features that I am drawn to. Like the lake in the middle of town. Spur of the moment festivals, happenings at the farmer's market, maybe if I was in the city I would be more prone to get out there and do something...:)
My parents live out here, that is where my list of cons begins. One way or the other I will be spending alot of time out here eventually. I am the only daughter living within 600k. It is a given that it will be me that they will depend on. I am finally ok with that.
I like the fact that I have a yard, albeit a disaster at the moment. My lot is huge in comparison to what is in the city and I am not sure how I will like neighbours being able to touch the sides of my house when they open their windows!
I just began renovating and I love what it is becoming....a home.
I begin my MLS search tomorrow...:)
When I refer to City, I should probably be referring to Town. But due to a numbers game, we fit the population requirement to be called a City.
I live on the outskirts of The Nickel Capital of the World. I wonder if we are still called that? Story has it that we were hit by meteorites, which led to the rich ore deposits found in our rocks, which resulted in the creation of our City.
When people think of City, they think Toronto, Vancouver, New York, Chicago, the list goes on. This city's population may be 153,000 if you don't add the rural areas that have been amalgamated into a "Greater City"..:)
The City for me is a 30 minute drive from where I am now. It's beginning to be a long haul in the winter. And let's face it, gas is at 1.15/litre, almost if not more than 4 dollars a gallon, with stories of it hitting 1.50/litre by the summer driving season.
I was without car for six months last winter, and I bussed it on a daily basis. It was not something I could continue due to the length of time it took me to travel to work and back. I have to leave my house at 7:30 to get to work for 9 and then do not arrive home until 6:45 that night. If I lived in the City, the bus schedule would be more in line with my hours of work and wouldn't swallow up three hours of my day.
My home, beyond my wildest imagination, is probably worth more now than it ever was or ever will be, and if I am reasonable and wise in my search, I could probably find something that would accommodate my kids and I in a manner that would allow us all more room than we have now.
Where I live, there is very little decent shopping so I have to travel to the City anyways, and in my attempts to be environmentally conscience and the fact that my budget soon will no longer sustain the gas I will require, living in the City would allow me to do much of my stuff by public transit...
My son would have much more opportunity for work. As well, as easier access when it comes time to go back to school. The only school he will be able to attend is in the City and since he has decided that his license is not worth saving for, he will have to be taking a bus...:)
Although it is not a big city, it has some features that I am drawn to. Like the lake in the middle of town. Spur of the moment festivals, happenings at the farmer's market, maybe if I was in the city I would be more prone to get out there and do something...:)
My parents live out here, that is where my list of cons begins. One way or the other I will be spending alot of time out here eventually. I am the only daughter living within 600k. It is a given that it will be me that they will depend on. I am finally ok with that.
I like the fact that I have a yard, albeit a disaster at the moment. My lot is huge in comparison to what is in the city and I am not sure how I will like neighbours being able to touch the sides of my house when they open their windows!
I just began renovating and I love what it is becoming....a home.
I begin my MLS search tomorrow...:)
Surrendering and all that...
is much easier said than done..:) Especially in the midst of hot flash hell!
K got the job, good thing! Bad thing, she sits almost back to back to the step-mom (it's a small town, I live in..:) Good thing, the step-mom should be gone by the time K steps into her desk; however, the step-mom is not pleased that K started at a higher level than what she did..(Ya, go figure..it's ok. I understand to some degree) so life at home has been hell for her and it's only been a day.
:)
I can think a thought, and then have a whole scenario made up in my mind within a matter of seconds. The endings are always morbid and I end up a sopping rag on the floor..:) Oh the passive-aggressive me...it doesn't work when there is no one at the other end to respond to it..LOL.
I've got me babe!..
It's tough though to stop that flow of emotion on it's uprise, to fall into that pattern of whoa is me, and ride that black dog for as long as it will take you...surrender is when you finally stop that...and just deal with what is. Let that emotion takes it's course, recognize it for what it is , fear, anger resentment, and let it go, all you can control is now.
So it's been an up and down week, but it was this week that clarity abounds in regards to what my mind wants me to think, and what I really know. And we can't know what we don't see.
My son is still sleeping all day, and Xboxing it all night, and not yet quite ready to give up on his hope of working with his Dad...and as much as it irritates me to see him doing nothing...perhaps that is what he needs...and yelling and cajoling and negativity ain't working...he needs to be lifted and to learn how truly awesome he is...and for two days in a row now, he's been up by 1pm..:)
And tonight, at a meeting, I stood up in a crowd of people and defended something that I believe in, as someone tried to play a mean game of recreating the past. They were somewhat surprised by my unexpected response, mostly surprised that I would be able to stand up and tell the truth, and open myself to some well deserved criticism. "Yes, I did that, because at the time, you were not getting value for your money. You have seen over the past few years, the increase in service and knowledge that should be expected from those you have chosen to represent, these new people are sponges and now is the time to get them the best education you deserve."
Tonight again, the members stood with me. I saw a group of people tonight that made me smile. I learned tonight that you don't have to raise your voice, or stomp your heels, to fight for right..it is as simple as 'this is just the way it is'.
My sister was diagnosed with cancer this month. She had her surgery on Thursday and all appears well. We await the biospy of the lymph nodes, but the doc doesn't think she needs to worry.
My mother is down at my sister's and it appears that my bio father maybe making a trip to see my sister. ..haha.
I have spoken to my half-sister about it (bio dad's daughter with his other wife) and she says that perhaps this is the best time for closure for both my mother and my father. I don't think my mother is ready for it, but I do think that she should be given the courtesy of choice., and no one else seems to agree with me..how appropo..:) So I have about a week, to sit with this and make a decision. My heart tells me it's not fair to my mother to have it sprung on her. I don't know the circumstances surrounding their issues, all I know is that there was alot of pain and sorrow.
I'm reading The Power of Now. It's helping alot.
K got the job, good thing! Bad thing, she sits almost back to back to the step-mom (it's a small town, I live in..:) Good thing, the step-mom should be gone by the time K steps into her desk; however, the step-mom is not pleased that K started at a higher level than what she did..(Ya, go figure..it's ok. I understand to some degree) so life at home has been hell for her and it's only been a day.
:)
I can think a thought, and then have a whole scenario made up in my mind within a matter of seconds. The endings are always morbid and I end up a sopping rag on the floor..:) Oh the passive-aggressive me...it doesn't work when there is no one at the other end to respond to it..LOL.
I've got me babe!..
It's tough though to stop that flow of emotion on it's uprise, to fall into that pattern of whoa is me, and ride that black dog for as long as it will take you...surrender is when you finally stop that...and just deal with what is. Let that emotion takes it's course, recognize it for what it is , fear, anger resentment, and let it go, all you can control is now.
So it's been an up and down week, but it was this week that clarity abounds in regards to what my mind wants me to think, and what I really know. And we can't know what we don't see.
My son is still sleeping all day, and Xboxing it all night, and not yet quite ready to give up on his hope of working with his Dad...and as much as it irritates me to see him doing nothing...perhaps that is what he needs...and yelling and cajoling and negativity ain't working...he needs to be lifted and to learn how truly awesome he is...and for two days in a row now, he's been up by 1pm..:)
And tonight, at a meeting, I stood up in a crowd of people and defended something that I believe in, as someone tried to play a mean game of recreating the past. They were somewhat surprised by my unexpected response, mostly surprised that I would be able to stand up and tell the truth, and open myself to some well deserved criticism. "Yes, I did that, because at the time, you were not getting value for your money. You have seen over the past few years, the increase in service and knowledge that should be expected from those you have chosen to represent, these new people are sponges and now is the time to get them the best education you deserve."
Tonight again, the members stood with me. I saw a group of people tonight that made me smile. I learned tonight that you don't have to raise your voice, or stomp your heels, to fight for right..it is as simple as 'this is just the way it is'.
My sister was diagnosed with cancer this month. She had her surgery on Thursday and all appears well. We await the biospy of the lymph nodes, but the doc doesn't think she needs to worry.
My mother is down at my sister's and it appears that my bio father maybe making a trip to see my sister. ..haha.
I have spoken to my half-sister about it (bio dad's daughter with his other wife) and she says that perhaps this is the best time for closure for both my mother and my father. I don't think my mother is ready for it, but I do think that she should be given the courtesy of choice., and no one else seems to agree with me..how appropo..:) So I have about a week, to sit with this and make a decision. My heart tells me it's not fair to my mother to have it sprung on her. I don't know the circumstances surrounding their issues, all I know is that there was alot of pain and sorrow.
I'm reading The Power of Now. It's helping alot.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
He made it home...all on his own...
wow..go figure. His phone didn't ring off the hook all night, to the point where he eventually turns it off..:)
This morning was quiet, he got up early, with the intention of cleaning his room. I slept until almost 11, just as he was going back to bed.
The sun was shining and it was a balmy _7C, so I took off in the car and drove with the windows open. I forgot the camera..but it was nice, driving on clear pavement, with the sounds of the water melting off the rocks to the ditches below, the wind was from the west and you could smell the change. And every now and then, the sun would peak out from behind the clouds. It's been a stressful week with my daughter, the drive was much welcome.
K has applied for a part time position at my place of employment. It seems there could be a problem with the hire, since they seem to be unable to allow her one night a week off for the first two weeks, to do her 'required' clinicals for school. I am a Union Steward..lol..I ain't got no pull. She gets anxious, it's good money, and she has been calling me constantly expecting me to step into the ring and demand they allow her the time off..lol
I suggested she ask the prof if she could miss at least one, perhaps a compromise could be made. No. Any other suggestion I made, No. Ok..I cannot help you further, either you make an attempt to ask or you turn down the job. Normally, I would feed into her anger with her and then both of us would be stressed to the max and would end up not speaking for a few weeks.
It's not like she won't find a job. Her problem is that this particular job pays double what she would make in the PSW field for the summer. And she's greedy (she calls it frugal..lol) she wants it all and expects to have it all..which is a great outlook, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do.
She called me today. She will ask the prof if she can miss one clinical, make an offer of compromise with the Employer, and if it can't be worked out...c'est la vie..it wasn't meant to be.
She is moving out of her father's this spring, due to circumstances between her and the step-mom.
I would love to move back to the city.
My son would have more opportunity for work.
I will make a small fortune on my humble abode.
It would make a good downpayment on a duplex.
I really need to research it.
This morning was quiet, he got up early, with the intention of cleaning his room. I slept until almost 11, just as he was going back to bed.
The sun was shining and it was a balmy _7C, so I took off in the car and drove with the windows open. I forgot the camera..but it was nice, driving on clear pavement, with the sounds of the water melting off the rocks to the ditches below, the wind was from the west and you could smell the change. And every now and then, the sun would peak out from behind the clouds. It's been a stressful week with my daughter, the drive was much welcome.
K has applied for a part time position at my place of employment. It seems there could be a problem with the hire, since they seem to be unable to allow her one night a week off for the first two weeks, to do her 'required' clinicals for school. I am a Union Steward..lol..I ain't got no pull. She gets anxious, it's good money, and she has been calling me constantly expecting me to step into the ring and demand they allow her the time off..lol
I suggested she ask the prof if she could miss at least one, perhaps a compromise could be made. No. Any other suggestion I made, No. Ok..I cannot help you further, either you make an attempt to ask or you turn down the job. Normally, I would feed into her anger with her and then both of us would be stressed to the max and would end up not speaking for a few weeks.
It's not like she won't find a job. Her problem is that this particular job pays double what she would make in the PSW field for the summer. And she's greedy (she calls it frugal..lol) she wants it all and expects to have it all..which is a great outlook, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do.
She called me today. She will ask the prof if she can miss one clinical, make an offer of compromise with the Employer, and if it can't be worked out...c'est la vie..it wasn't meant to be.
She is moving out of her father's this spring, due to circumstances between her and the step-mom.
I would love to move back to the city.
My son would have more opportunity for work.
I will make a small fortune on my humble abode.
It would make a good downpayment on a duplex.
I really need to research it.
Saturday, March 8, 2008
Longitude & Latitude
46° 37' N 80° 48' W
Where it is currently -14 C and heading towards -22C. or 6F to 1F for the American folks out there. It's still bloody cold! Maybe the numbers make it feel colder, but then again, I haven't measured temp in Fahrenheit in many years. Somehow it grows on you.
So the faux fur is still in order and the flannels help save energy! And definitely next year, winter boots are in order, something about getting old, you like staying warm.
I am a 48 year old single mother of two kids. K is 22, will be 23 at the end of March, she is a lesbian and studying to be a nurse. Her partner T, is the same age and is waiting on her provincial exams to work in youth services corrections. S is 18 (15), is a high school dropout (hopefully temporarily) as he tries to find his way through life and figure out the quickest way to make a buck...stealing didn't work for him, so now he's trying out working..:)
I am/was an overbearing, overprotective insane woman, trying to figure out what the hell life was all about, and finally coming to somewhat of an understanding..whew..that my life could not continue as it was...and although it has not been an easy struggle, I finally feel myself being able to surrender.
My stint on online journaling has not been a complete success; nor has it been a complete failure. It has been difficult for me to go from written journals which are private, to allowing strangers, and those that know me somewhat to read my thoughts, as jumbled as they were most times. It didn't allow me the freedom my written journals did. I have few subscriptions and I have been fortunate to hit on some very interesting people, who I am sure think I stalk them, but from them I have learned much about myself and things bigger than me.
I don't know what this is going to be, if it is going to be, or how it will be. All I know is I am ready to move forward from this place I have been in, in a more positive light, with more knowledge beneath my feet.
And it really is time for me to let go.
Tonight's goal--going to bed without phoning the boy about when he will be home.
Nite.
So the faux fur is still in order and the flannels help save energy! And definitely next year, winter boots are in order, something about getting old, you like staying warm.
I am a 48 year old single mother of two kids. K is 22, will be 23 at the end of March, she is a lesbian and studying to be a nurse. Her partner T, is the same age and is waiting on her provincial exams to work in youth services corrections. S is 18 (15), is a high school dropout (hopefully temporarily) as he tries to find his way through life and figure out the quickest way to make a buck...stealing didn't work for him, so now he's trying out working..:)
I am/was an overbearing, overprotective insane woman, trying to figure out what the hell life was all about, and finally coming to somewhat of an understanding..whew..that my life could not continue as it was...and although it has not been an easy struggle, I finally feel myself being able to surrender.
My stint on online journaling has not been a complete success; nor has it been a complete failure. It has been difficult for me to go from written journals which are private, to allowing strangers, and those that know me somewhat to read my thoughts, as jumbled as they were most times. It didn't allow me the freedom my written journals did. I have few subscriptions and I have been fortunate to hit on some very interesting people, who I am sure think I stalk them, but from them I have learned much about myself and things bigger than me.
I don't know what this is going to be, if it is going to be, or how it will be. All I know is I am ready to move forward from this place I have been in, in a more positive light, with more knowledge beneath my feet.
And it really is time for me to let go.
Tonight's goal--going to bed without phoning the boy about when he will be home.
Nite.
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